6/10/2006

Reading a passage & verse from The Book of Beatdowns

Two leaders of armies shall come forth and issue their soldiers upon the ground. Chase after small pieces of round plastic they shall for turns numbering six, looking to gain advantage or superiority one over the other. One shall be Eldar and one shall be Marines and ever shall it be thus until the end of turn six at which point thine battle shall be decided and thy gathering disperse.

They shalt gather points numbering one and nine-hundred-ninety-nine, totaling a thousand in number. They shalt not bring one-thousand-one, nor one-thousand-two, nor one-thousand-three, nor such a number which is in excess of one thousand, which is decreed and sacred. To do so is folly and thou shalt lose thine victory before battle has even begun, and be brought low and mocked by thine peers. Do not fudge thine math, for the Lord thy God sees all and knows of your doings and thou shalt be judged harshly and without pity.

Once the leader of armies whose ranks are purple throws forth his lot upon the earth, he shall seek to summon great totals upon those lots, and he shall invoke My Name with passion and fury. Alas, I shall not be with him, and vain and pitiful shall be his lament, for he shall only see the eyes of the serpent... and the serpent has many, many eyes. Thou shalt think it is not thus, but indeed it is thus; and the leader of armies shall blanch and take my name in vain, and accursed among men he shall be; and his army shall fall upon the dust.

Showeth not pride, leader of purple, against the dark reapers of men to the east, for they shall steal your objective out from under your gaze and, like a whisper of wind, will leave thou behind in the dust with thine pants down. Thus sayeth the Lord.

Showeth not arrogance whenst thou takest thine Librarian to battle, and callest not for victory, for thine shall roll thy lot upon the ground and see only the eyes of the serpent again and again thou hast learned thine lesson or thou hast been beaten into mulch. Thus sayeth the Lord.

Pause thou for refreshment by cola beverage or similar drink, for rolling ones is much toil and one must remain soothed by carbonated drink. Thus sayeth the Lord.

Whenst thou dost play, observe my warning: I speak of a Wave Serpent which will move quickly and use star engines to gain even greater swiftness, for you may tarry and miss thine chance to shoot it before it absconds behind area terrain. Behold, even as I have spoken it, it has come to pass, and thine pants are down once more.

By turn five thou shalt receive counsel to cease bringing thyself low and into pain, and to concede oneself to defeat, do not cast the offer upon the earth, for great humiliation still awaits you, my servant, and you are wise to stop the beating. Do as thou willest, however, for your foe is not averse to punishing you for more turns if you care not to protect thineself. After all, the starcannon isn't there for decoration.

Whenst the battle has passed and all has come to completion, shake hands with thine enemy and be not a sourpuss, for every player rolls evil lots which betray him in his career as a leader of armies. Though few roll as many betrayals as you have in this game, it still happens occasionally.

And give thanks to the Lord, Lawrence of the Purple Army, that there are not seven turns in a game, for thy beating was plenteous and richly deserved.

1 comment:

Jay MG said...

I am interested in your religion and would like to sign up for your newsletter.